Babel
by Incidental Vegan Cannibal
Summary: Over the past 5 years, Jackson has tripled in size- meaning fewer resources and more bandit raids. Even worse, one of Ellie's new parents is being stalked by a killer that can't be stopped by bullets or electrified fences. With morale (and everything else) rapidly deteriorating, Ellie decides it's finally time to get knocked up with the world's first immune baby. AMN sequel.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a sequel/epilogue to Any Means Necessary, which had gotten much too long and was getting spammed by a grammatically-challenged flamer who didn't like my ending. I highly recommend that you read Any Means Necessary first, because this won't make much sense otherwise. Thanks as always for reading! Your reviews make all the long, sleepless nights worth it.

o0o0o

"We should touch up your tattoo soon," Mom says over Ellie's nineteenth birthday dinner, and that's when Ellie knows for sure that something is wrong.

She chokes on mashed potatoes and wipes her mouth on the back of her hand. "Why?"

"I just want to touch it up."

"Before...?" Ellie asks.

Mom and Tommy exchange the quickest of conspiring glances, and then Mom shrugs.

"There's no deadline," Mom says. "I just want to touch it up for you."

"Oh."

There's an awkward silence, where Ellie knows that they know that she knows something is up. But Ellie is as unready to know what's wrong as they apparently are to tell her, so she just stabs her fork into her steak.

"Cool," Ellie says. "Thanks for thinking about me. I love you."

Mom scrapes her chair across the wooden floor and picks up her plate. She kisses Ellie's forehead on the way to the kitchen.

"I'm going to have a little rest," she says. "Come get me if you need help cleaning up."

"No, Maria, you cooked," Tommy says. "You go rest up. Ellie and I have this under control."

As Mom's footsteps drag up the stairs, Ellie lowers her fork and stares at Tommy.

"Are you and Mom splitting up?" she demands.

Tommy coughs, spraying spuds all over his arm. "What the hell?" He gulps down water. "No, we ain't splitting up. Why would you think that?"

Ellie bites her tongue, because it's really not appropriate to ask your parents why their bed hasn't thumped against your bedroom wall for almost a year.

"I dunno," she says. "Women's intuition."

"Don't you worry about things like that," Tommy says. "No one is splitting up. Let's have some cake, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

Pilar pokes her head into the kitchen as Tommy and Ellie are putting squares of crumbly brown cake onto chipped plates.

"Happy birthday!" She hugs Ellie from behind and smooches her neck.

Ellie absently swats Pilar away, squirming away from her kiss. "Thanks."

"I have a present for you," Pilar whispers. "Meet me in our spot in the woods after your parents go to sleep."

"Is it booze?" Ellie whispers back.

"Better," Pilar says.

Tommy leans in. "What are we talkin' about?" he asks in a stage whisper.

"Birthday presents," Ellie whispers.

"Oh." Tommy hands Pilar cake. "Well, all I got right now is this cake. I had something real nice for you, but it got broke when those damn bandits got into my shed a few weeks ago."

"Cake is good," Ellie says, picking up her slice. "Mmm."

"There have been a lot more bandits than usual this year," Pilar remarks. "Do you think it's the weather?"

Tommy shrugs. "Probably a combination of more zones falling, more people moving out west, and more supplies running low. We just gotta be more careful."

Pilar departs after cake, leaving a wet kiss on Ellie's cheek. Ellie wipes it off and helps Tommy with dishes, already dreading whatever present involves the woods at night.

Sure enough, Pilar is naked when Ellie arrives at their spot in the woods. Ellie sighs.

"Do we have to do it out here?" Ellie asks. "We're adults. And even if we weren't, my parents would give us the house for a few hours if we wanted this kind of privacy."

"It's not about the privacy," Pilar says, sounding aggravated with Ellie. "It's about being romantic. Now take your shirt off and look at the stars with me."

Pilar babbles away about constellations and shooting stars, but Ellie is too tense to hear anything she says. David hammers away at Ellie's mind with every crunchy leaf crackling in her ear and every rock and root digging into her ribs. Ellie keeps glancing around the forest, terrified David or one of his friends is going to jump out at any minute. An owl swoops down near them, and Ellie nearly pees her pants.

"I want to go home." Ellie snatches up her shirt. "I can't deal with any more fucking nature tonight."

Pilar sighs. "What did I do this time?"

"Nothing," Ellie says coolly. "It's not your fault. I just don't like being outside like this. Anyone could sneak up on us and slit our throats and rape our corpses."

"Jesus, Ellie!" Pilar pulls her shirt over her head. "You don't have to be so dramatic."

"I'm just a little freaked out, okay?" Ellie fumbles for her weapons. "If we have to have sex, let's do it at home."

"If we HAVE to have sex?" Pilar glares at Ellie in the moonlight. "Really?"

"What? What did I say wrong?"

"Sex isn't supposed to be a chore! It's supposed to be the best thing in the world. Other people I've been with acted like they'd rather have sex than food. Do you even like me anymore, Ellie?"

"Of course I do!" Ellie says, too stunned to think of anything else to say.

"You don't act like it!" Pilar crosses her arms. "We can only have sex when it's your idea, and on those rare occasions, you've let me touch or lick you for maybe ten minutes in the past four years. You snap at me for no reason all the time. You push me away when I try to hug or kiss you, even though you never do that to your mom! It doesn't even feel like you're my girlfriend!"

"I-" Ellie tries to tell Pilar that it's nothing personal, that Ellie is just too broken and fucked up to be a good girlfriend, but her tongue freezes.

"Please, Ellie," Pilar says. "I'll try anything that turns you on. I'll steal some alcohol and we can get drunk and do it like we always do, or I can give you a back massage, or... I don't know, anything! If I can't lick your pussy, maybe I can lick your asshole for you. Or something. Anything. But if you care about me, can you please just make an effort to pretend like you like having sex with me? Or even just that you like being hugged by me?"

Ellie is suddenly defensive, hurt, terrified, and outraged all at once. "You know what? No! I've made nothing _but_ effort since we've been dating! If you can't respect my needs, and if you're going to be all manipulative when I don't want to have sex, then I don't want to be your girlfriend." She fumbles with the clasp of bracelet she's worn for the past three years and throws the whole thing onto the dirt. "Just leave me alone. I'm so much happier and less stressed out when you're not around."

"Okay, fine!" Pilar twists off her rings and pulls her necklace over her head. "I will leave you alone. I'm sorry me trying to hug you is such a huge fucking detriment to your life!"

"Good!" Ellie shouts, stomping away. "You should be sorry!"

Mom is drinking tea on the couch when Ellie walks in. Ellie immediately looks away to hide her wet face, but Mom's eyes are too sharp for her to get away with that.

"What's the matter, Ellie?" She pats the cushion next to her. "Come talk to me."

Ellie snuggles close, resting her cheek on Mom's bony shoulder.

"I think me and Pilar just broke up," she sniffles.

"Oh, no!" Mom wipes Ellie's face. "What the hell happened?"

"Sex," Ellie snorts through her tears. "Or, technically, that's what didn't happen. I don't put out enough for her."

"Really?" Mom asks. "That doesn't sound like Pilar."

"Well, there was some other stuff too." Ellie hugs her knees. "Apparently I snap at her a lot and push her away whenever she tries to hug me."

"Well..." Mom scratches her eyebrow. "You do kind of do both of those things."

"I don't mean to! But anyway, Pilar should know better! She knows what happened to me! Why would she grab me like that, after everything I've been through? She should know that it will freak me out!"

"Have you ever told her why you push her away?"

Ellie sighs. "No."

"She's not a mind reader, honey. Maybe she thinks you got over all that and you're just being a jerk. Does she even know what happened to you?"

"Yeah! I mean, she kind of knows," Ellie says. "Probably. I'm pretty sure she knows I was raped. I think we had a conversation about it, sort of."

Mom kisses Ellie's cheek. "You should talk to her, baby girl. She would understand. She loves you."

"Yeah, I think she did love me. I don't think she does anymore, though. I kind of said some things when we were fighting."

"Uh oh. What did you say?"

Ellie purses her lips. "Basically that I hate her and she's manipulative and she stresses me out by existing."

"Ouch. I don't think she deserved that, Ellie."

"No, she didn't," Ellie mopes. "She has a good heart, you raised me better than that, etcetera. I've already thought over it. But I said it anyway."

"I'm sure you can fix it with some serious apologizing."

"I know," Ellie says. "I don't know if I want to, though. Maybe I'm better off alone than with someone who wants sex all the time."

"You just need better communication. I bet she'd understand if you gave her a chance." Mom sips her tea. "But you can't just expect her to go without it without some kind of discussion. Sex is important to most people."

"So how come you and Dad haven't had sex in forever?"

Mom freezes for a minute, and then she laughs. "I forget sometimes how thin the walls are. And how observant kids can be..."

"You didn't answer my question," Ellie says. "Are you two having problems? Dad says you're not splitting up, but I want to hear it from you."

Mom takes a long slurp of tea and rubs Ellie's back, as if stalling for time. When she finally speaks, her words are careful.

"Your dad and I promised to love and take care of each other until one of us dies. We have every intention of keeping that promise."

"Even though sex is important and you guys aren't having it?"

"You're being nosy," Mom says.

"Yup. But only because my own love life just died in a fiery explosion."

"All you need to know is that your dad and I are more in love than ever." Mom says. "Sex is important, but it's not the most important thing. We have our reasons, and we're both on the same page about it. You don't need to worry about our marriage."

"Okay, fine," Ellie says. "Maybe we can do something as a family, like play cards. You know, to take our minds off the fact that none of us is getting laid anymore."

Mom laughs. "Whatever you want. Can I do anything tonight to make you feel better about the breakup?"

Ellie lies down, resting her head on Mom's lap. "Just pet my head for a while."

"Okay, honey."

Ellie falls asleep on the couch and wakes up the next morning in her bed, with Grr-Mione warming her feet.

o0o0o

Two months later, Mom and Tommy pack Ellie's favorite foods into the picnic basket, tie the leash on the dog, and take Ellie to their secret family waterfall- the one you have to shimmy between the two semi-truck trailers just to get to.

Tommy and Ellie lie on the patched quilt and trade horrible puns until Mom finally groans, "Enough! Don't make me push you two over the waterfall!" and attacks their faces with slobbery kisses. They throw the frisbee for Grrr until the sun starts to set, and then the three of them dangle their legs over the side of the cliff and eat cake and whipped cream and berries.

Even though Ellie suspects what's coming, her heart stops for a second when Mom grabs her hand and clears her throat in the darkness.

"Ellie, honey? There's something we need to tell you..."

And just like that, they drop the word on her like a cement block. They finally put a name on the naps, the dropped dishes, and the random, bitter cuss words strained like oversteeped tea through Mom's clenched teeth.

"How exactly do you get it? Do you think you got it because I'm a Cordyceps carrier and I live with you?"

"No, Ellie! God, no, they're not related at all."

They assure Ellie it started before she showed up, that they thought they caught it and cut it out before Aiden was even conceived. Mom presses Ellie's fingers into the hard strand of old scar tissue stretching inland from her left hip to prove it's not Ellie's fault. That's nice, but it doesn't help Ellie remember how to breathe.

They try to explain why the infection can't be completely cut out, and why it's so slow and deadly. But Ellie, doctor-in-training or not, is from a generation that understands death in terms of bullets and brain hijackings. She can't even begin to conceptualize Mom's own cells going rogue over the course of months, let alone years. She stares up at the constellations until they finally stop talking and ask if she understands.

"But there are treatments, right?" Ellie's voice sounds like a stranger's. "Me and Dad, we can travel somewhere and get medicine, or hold Fireflies hostage until they fix you, or something. We can take a truck and bring back a radiation machine. That's what this means, right?'

Tommy sighs. Mom strokes Ellie's face.

"That stuff just doesn't exist anymore," she says. "But even if we lived in pre-infection times, it wouldn't help me. Once it gets in your bones, there's nothing anyone can do. I'm sorry, Ellie."

"So... what, then? You're just going to hurt for the rest of your life?" Ellie swallows. "You're going to... die?"

"Both," Mom says. "It will hurt worse and worse, and then eventually I'll die."

"You can't!" Ellie's voice cracks. "You can't die! Dad and I can't even put together a patrol schedule without people threatening to strike."

It doesn't matter that Mom will teach them, that they'll eventually figure it out, or any of the other bullshit Tommy spouts. Ellie starts crying and can't stop. She curls up in a ball and screams into the night.

"This isn't fucking fair!"

"I know, baby girl."

"We just fucking found each other! You said we had all the time in the world to make up for all the years we didn't get!"

"I know. I thought we did."

Grrr licks Ellie's face, especially interested in the nose-shaped snot fountain. Ellie pushes her dog away.

"You said... you said I couldn't call myself an orphan anymore!" she cries. "You said you would always be my m-m-mom!"

"Ellie, honey, no power in the 'verse could stop me from being your mom, dead or not. I'll still be your mom, even when I'm six feet under, just like my mom is still my mom."

Ellie wishes Tommy was the one who was dying instead, and she doesn't even realize she's wishing it out loud until he says quietly, "Me too, Ellie. Me fuckin' too. I been beggin' God to take me instead since we got the news."

Ellie pushes both of their hands away from her at first, just wanting to be alone with her misery. A few minutes later, though, she can't stand not being close to Mom, so she climbs on her lap and cries into her neck like a little kid. Mom rocks her back and forth, even though Ellie is nearly as tall as she is.

"Hey, we're lucky," Mom says into Ellie's ear. "Most people die with no warning, or maybe just a few hours, if they're infected. We have months to say goodbye."

"No!" Ellie weeps. "Fuck that shit! Why is this happening to us? It's so unfair!"

They don't get home until after midnight that night. Ellie spends most of the night crying into her dog's fur between Tommy and Mom, just like four years ago when she first moved in.

o0o0o

Four days after getting the bad news, Ellie crawls over a sleeping Tommy and tiptoes into her boots. She returns an hour later with a stack of library books up to her chin. She shoves the pot of oatmeal out of the way and slides the pile on the table.

"Okay, it's time for Operation Knock-Up," she declares. "Time to pop out some immune babies."

"What happened to doing that when you turned twenty-five?" Mom asks.

"I'm too chicken to have my first baby without you around," Ellie says, drawing up an ovulation calendar on a small piece of paper with a stub of a pencil. "So what do you think? Who should get the honor of fathering the first immune kid?"

Mom and Tommy look at each other.

"I was kind of thinking maybe I should let a couple of guys try. Survival of the fittest, or whatever. And maybe it would be cool if all of my kids had different dads, just to improve the odds of one of them being really badass. What do you think?"

Tommy throws up his hands and walks out of the kitchen without a word.

"I think you should do whatever makes you happy," Mom says. "But Ellie, have you thought this all the way through?"

"Yeah, of course," Ellie makes a face. "I was gonna have to do it sooner or later. Might as well get it over with now. Commence Phase One!"

o0o0o

The first attempt at 'Phase One' ends before it starts- with three broken bones. When Kevin, the best shot in town (for a guy), starts yelling that Ellie is a "psychotic bitch," Maria grabs the shotgun, and Tommy hurriedly grabs the teenage boy's collar.

"Let's get you to Doc Freeman," Tommy says. "Uh, hop a little faster if you wanna live."

"I guess he wasn't good enough, anyway," Ellie mutters, pulling her jeans back up. "Mom, who would you pick to have a baby with in this town? You can't say Dad, for obvious reasons."

"Blake," Mom says right away.

"What? But he's a terrible shot! Why him?"

"Because you're a good enough shot for two people, and he's a good enough scout for two people. I don't want to hurt your feelings, Ellie, but-"

"No, it's true, I'm awful at scouting." Ellie taps her chin. "I'm just bad with details. Hm, he is pretty nice, too. I don't think he'd call me a psychotic bitch even if I did accidentally push a dresser onto him."

"Invite him over tomorrow," Mom says. "We'll hook up the TV and let the two of you play Mario Kart until you're nice and relaxed."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Ellie says. "I don't want anyone to pretend to be my friend so they can fuck me. Too many bad memories. I'm just gonna invite him over to fuck."

Unsurprisingly, Blake agrees, even after learning about Kevin's injuries. They go up to Ellie's room, and he sits on the bed while she sets up. He's probably the tallest, beefiest guy in town, but he's quiet, and his brown skin reminds Ellie a little bit of Riley.

"Okay, you ready?" Ellie asks, throwing her shirt and jeans into the corner.

"Sure, but can I ask why you picked me?" Blake asks.

"Because you're good at scouting, obviously," Ellie says. "Also because you're tough, but you cry over dead lizards."

He shrugs. "It's sad when they get stepped on."

"Yeah, I cry over dead lizards, too," Ellie says. "So anyway, the thing is, I can get nervous when boys are fucking me," she explains, walking around her room in just her underwear. She tosses a knife and coil of rope onto the bed. "But I've gotta get knocked up to save humanity. So are you cool with bondage?"

"Sure," Blake says. "I've never actually tried it, but the idea is okay. Who's getting tied up?"

"Me." Ellie cuts off four lengths of rope. "It's for your safety. I just have a few rules: no kissing me, no licking my ears or neck, and definitely no tickling me. And you're trying to get me pregnant, so don't pull out or anything, okay?"

"Okay." Blake shrugs. "If that's what you want."

"It is," Ellie says. "Last thing: you have to promise to keep fucking me, even if I act weird or tell you to stop."

"I don't know about that. Maybe we should have a safeword or something. I don't want to-"

"No, I don't want to be able to back out of this again," Ellie says. "The fate of the entire human race is counting on this. Just fuck me as fast as you can and then untie me. Better yet, don't even untie me. Just cover me up with a blanket and tell my mom to come untie me."

Blake shrugs again. "Okay. Do you need help tying yourself up?"

"Yeah, I kind of do. Would you mind...?"

The next thing Ellie knows, she's screaming like she's being dismembered, and warm fingers are frantically working at the ropes around her wrists and ankles. She opens her eyes and sees her parents are the ones untying her.

"What happened?" she asks. "Fuck, did I scare him away before he could finish?"

"No, he finished," Mom says. "He said you were 'freakishly quiet,' but you didn't try to kill him, so that's a plus. He'd just gotten done telling me you wanted me to go untie you when you started screaming. Last I saw him, he was sprinting for the door."

"Oh."

Mom finishes untying Ellie's ankles and helps Tommy with the last wrist. Ellie curls up under the sheet.

"Holler if you need me," Tommy says. "I figure you two are gonna have some girl talk."

"Thanks," Ellie calls after him.

Mom tucks the sheets around Ellie and pulls the blanket up to her neck. "My poor baby girl," she says. "I hate seeing you scared like this."

"Ugh, Mom, I don't want to do this anymore."

"I don't want you doing this anymore, either." Mom puts her hand on Ellie's forehead. "You're shaky, you're covered in sweat, and you're a scary shade of gray. It seems really unhealthy, and the stress is probably making it harder for you to conceive. As your mom, I'm forbidding you from doing this anymore."

That's all the excuse Ellie needs to swear off traumatic impregnation attempts with boys. She sighs in relief.

"So what do I do instead?" she asks.

"I don't know," Mom says. "Maybe you'll get pregnant from this and we won't have to worry about that."

o0o0o

Two weeks later, Ellie is cursing cramps, her immunity, and the whole world with a few choice insults.

"Okay, Ellie, I get it," Mom says. "Settle down."

"I'm such a fucking failure! I can't even get pregnant like a normal person." Ellie punches the wall and then shakes her hand in pain. "Ow, goddammit, now my hand hurts!"

"And whose fault is that?" Mom asks, taking Ellie's hand and kissing it. "You need to calm the hell down, Ellie. You could have broken your hand. Sit your ass on the couch and stop swearing."

Ellie drops onto the couch and holds her head in her hands. "You don't understand, Mom. Every month I'm not pregnant is a month I might have to be pregnant-or fucking giving birth!- without you. I'm not ready for that."

"Maybe this is too much," Mom suggests, sitting down and rubbing Ellie's back. "Maybe you should just focus on getting through my passing. You have years and years to have babies."

"Yeah, and you said we had years and years to be a family," Ellie grumbles.

"Ouch." Mom pulls her hand away from Ellie's back.

"Sorry, that sounded a lot meaner than I meant it." Ellie leans into her. "What I meant was, you're pretty young to be dying of natural causes. I can't take it for granted that I'll live to be old, just because I live in the safest place on the continent. I need to get pregnant as soon as possible, just in case I die young, too."

Mom hugs her. "It's going to be okay," she says. "If you don't get pregnant now, it wasn't meant to be. And I don't think you're going to die young. We'll figure something out."

"See, if we could just figure out some way to get me pregnant without any guys in the room, then that would solve everything," Ellie says. "Well... some things. One thing."

Mom wrinkles her forehead. "Turkey baster?"

"What's a turkey baster?" Ellie asks.

"Seriously?" Mom laughs. "It's, um... it's like a syringe that you squeeze. People used to joke about lesbians using them to get pregnant."

"Weird. Did they actually do that?"

"I have no idea." Mom says. "I bet you could use a regular blunt syringe, though. It would be better than torturing yourself. You could make up with Pilar and get her to do it."

"One crazy idea at a time," Ellie says. "I'll ask Doc Freeman."

o0o0o

On July 3rd, the day after Mom's birthday, Ellie pulls Pilar into an empty exam room and shuts the door.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't mean any of that shit I said on my birthday. I'm just going through some stuff. I'm sorry I took it out on you."

"I forgive you," Pilar says. "And I'm sorry for being a jerk. That was probably the lamest, most selfish birthday present I've ever tried to give anyone."

Ellie hugs her, and for all the griping she did about Pilar hugging her, it feels awesome.

"Take good care of my mom, okay?" Ellie says into Pilar's shoulder. "She raised me better than how I acted. She was totally telling me to apologize to you."

"Of course I'll take care of her! She's like a mom to me, too," Pilar says. "Are you going somewhere, though?"

"Yeah," Ellie says. "I'm making a medical supply run. I'll be back soon, hopefully."

Pilar lets her go. "Don't take too long," she says. "Your mom doesn't have unlimited time."

"Yeah, I know," Ellie says. "Thanks."

Back at home, Ellie kisses both of her parents goodbye and then enlists their help adjusting the straps on her old backpack.

"I put some oat cakes in your bag," Tommy says. "Hope you don't get too hungry out there."

"I still know how to hunt," Ellie says. "I'll be fine."

"Is there any way we can talk you out of this?" Mom asks. "I don't know what to say, except, 'Please don't go, baby girl.' We could easily send someone else."

"It's just something I need to do," Ellie says. "I love you both. I'll be back as soon as I find what I'm looking for. Don't come after me this time!"

They don't.


	2. Chapter 2

Ellie rides home, covered in dirt, a month later. She rides right through the middle of town and leads her horse into her parents' garage. She kicks off her dusty boots just inside the back door and wanders through the house, knowing it'll be hours before anyone is home. Grr-Mione runs down the stairs and goes crazy, barking and knocking over chairs and end tables in between whining and licking the hell out of Ellie's hands.

"Hey, 'Mione!" Ellie squats down and lets the dog lick her face. "Aww. It's good to see you, too."

"Ellie?" Mom's voice calls from the master bedroom. "Is that you?"

Ellie pushes open the door open wide. It doesn't smell like death or even sickness in the bedroom, just soap. She has to take a deep, steadying breath before she can talk.

"Yeah, it's me. Are you okay?"

"All things considered, yes. I was just resting."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your nap."

"I wasn't sleeping," Mom says. "My legs were hurting too badly to stand up, so Pilar tucked me in a few hours ago with a shot of the good drugs. But come on in, Ellie. Lie down with me and tell me all about your trip. It's so good to see you. I didn't know if you'd be back in time for me to see you before..."

Ellie stands awkwardly by the dresser and swings off her backpack. "I had a nightmare you were in horrible pain and wanted to die, but you wouldn't until I came home."

"Sounds like something I would do," Mom agrees. "I'm nothing if not stubborn. I don't think I'm close to that point yet, though. Are you going to leave again and wait to come back until I really am on my deathbed?"

"No," Ellie says. "I'm not going anywhere for a while. I found what I was looking for. And I got a surprise for you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." Ellie takes the cracked jewel case out of her backpack and pops the disc into the CD player. "You know that Munford Sons CD you kept talking about?"

"What?!" Mom sits up in bed. "Ellie, I swear, if you're teasing me-"

The sound of banjos and guitars interrupts her. Ellie sits down on the bed, but Mom pulls her close, and they both fall back against the pillows together.

"Sorry the case is a little broken," Ellie says, presenting it to Mom. "I kind of landed on it when this clicker-"

Mom raises her eyebrow. Ellie clears her throat.

"You know what? It's a boring story. I survived without any major injuries, and that's what matters."

"Where all did you go? You were gone so long, we were worried you'd gotten into trouble."

"No, I just went back to David's house," Ellie says.

"Ellie!"

"I know, I know. But I was, like, ninety percent sure he owned a CD by the Munford Sons! And I was right! Aren't you glad I went?"

"Did anyone in his town give you trouble?"

"No, Mom. They weren't all evil people. Just David and his friends, and those guys are all dead now. Only a few people in the town even remembered me. David kept me pretty isolated when I was there. But the ones who did remember me were super nice."

"Well, that's good."

"Oh! And I got to meet my friend's baby, the one I delivered- the one who's named after me. She's so fucking big, Mom!" Ellie beams. "The last time I saw her, she was covered in blood and peeing all over me, and now she can count to nineteen and dig her own hole to shit in. She read me an entire Dr. Seuss book, like some kind of fucking prodigy. It was weird, but awesome. It doesn't feel like it's been that long."

Mom lays her strong, cool hand on Ellie's cheek. "Babies are like that. You blink, and suddenly they're all grown up. I'm so glad it was a cathartic experience for you. You deserved a little closure. You're so brave, Ellie. I'm proud of you."

Ellie swallows, tasting tears in her throat. "So, what do you think of the CD?"

"I love it. This was the first and only band I ever saw live." Mom smiles at the ceiling. "It was outside on a summer night, just a few days before everything changed. I went with my mom and two of my school friends."

"Sounds like fun," Ellie says. "What was it like?"

"Well, we got there four hours early, but there were still people squished all up in our personal space," Mom says. "We just prayed we didn't faint and get trampled. It smelled like all kinds of food... cigarette smoke... alcohol... we even caught a whiff of weed at one point. Oh, that reminds me. Would you grab the jewelry box out of my nightstand drawer?"

Ellie hands it to her, watching with interest as Mom opens it.

"Is that drugs?" Ellie asks, peering into the box.

"Yes," Mom says, sprinkling dried green stuff into a wooden pipe. "Do you want to get high with me?"

"Fuck yeah, I want to get high with you, Mom!"

Mom splits a metal rectangle in half by the hinges, revealing a lighter inside. She sticks the pipe in her mouth and deftly flicks the metal gear with her thumb, starting a little fire. She holds the flame to the bowl of the pipe, and the fire flickers inside it. Mom inhales and holds her breath, then repeats the process three more times.

"Your turn," she laughs, holding the pipe for Ellie. "Take a puff and hold your breath."

Ellie immediately coughs out the first bit of smoke, but the second breath is more successful. She holds it in her chest, wondering what she's supposed to be feeling. On her third breath, she inhales a huge amount and, while holding her breath, floats a few inches off the bed. She bursts out laughing and grabs Mom's arm.

"What the fuck? I'm flying away! Someone turned off the gravity!"

"Okay, that's enough for you." Mom presses the pipe back to her lips. "What were we talking about?"

"You were telling me about the concert."

"Oh, right." Mom closes the lighter and puts everything on the nightstand while holding her breath. As she exhales, she lies back down on the pillow, pulling Ellie onto her bosom. "Yeah, Mumford and Sons. My only concert. It was so hot and humid out, but we'd get these cool breezes every once in a while that felt like heaven. After a certain point, our feet and legs hurt so bad, but there really wasn't anywhere we could go. You could feel the vibrations from the music in the ground, in your lungs, in your teeth. And the music sounds completely different live." She sighs.

They go quiet for a minute, spellbound by the music. When the song changes, Ellie giggles.

"What?" Mom asks.

"This music sounds like an orgasm feels," Ellie says.

They both laugh at that until they get distracted by the music again.

"Is Dad gonna be mad that we did drugs in the house?" Ellie asks a few minutes later.

"No, baby girl. He's the one who takes care of the plants for me now."

"Really?"

"Of course. He gets high with me sometimes. It's more fun to get blazed with someone else. And the only time sex isn't unbearably painful now is when I'm high, so sometimes we smoke together and then fuck like teenagers."

"Gross," Ellie snorts. "Wait, do you think... um..."

"Yeah?"

"I forgot what I was gonna ask."

Ellie has never been religious, but being on drugs feels a little bit supernatural. She taps her fingers on her hip bones and listens to the music.

"Oh, I remember now," she says. "Do you think this stuff would help me relax when Pilar is going down on me? I mean, we're not even dating anymore, but... I don't actually want to go my entire life without sex, even though I kind of do sometimes."

"You could always try it," Mom says. "Just... you would wanna be careful."

"Why?"

"Because you were drunk your first time, right?"

"Oh, yeah."

"So you'd have to make sure you felt safe and in control."

Ellie nods and yawns. After a few minutes, she raises her head off Mom's shoulder.

"Didn't we already hear this song?"

"Yeah, the CD is on repeat," Mom says. "It started over a few songs back."

The front door slams shut downstairs.

"Maria?" Tommy calls. "Ellie?"

"We're upstairs," Mom yells back. "Bring food!"

Tommy enters a minute later, carrying cold oatcakes and a mug of milk. "Hey, Ellie. I was hoping that was your horse in the garage," he says. "It looked damn familiar, but you never know, what with all the bandits breaking in lately. When did you get in?"

"About ten minutes ago," Ellie says. "Oooh, food."

Mom throws her head back and laughs. "Honey, it's been way longer than ten minutes. We're halfway through the second play of the CD. It's probably been a couple of hours."

Tommy sits down on the bed with them and holds up the cup and plate. "An offering for my two goddesses."

Ellie and Mom wolf down the oatcakes, sharing the milk.

"I'm still hungry," Ellie complains when the food is gone. "I didn't eat all day because I was trying to get home faster."

"I'll fix us some supper," Tommy says. "What do y'all want?"

"Pancakes, eggs, and bacon," Mom says. "Apple butter and maple syrup for the pancakes. And regular butter, definitely."

"Aw, are you sure it's gotta be pancakes?" Tommy asks. "Pancakes means I gotta go pick up more oat flour from the mill."

Mom grabs his shirt and pulls him into a kiss. He wraps his arm around her, and they fall onto the bed, making loud smooching noises.

"Haha, you two are so gross," Ellie says. "But for real, let's have pancakes for dinner."

"Pancakes," Mom says into Tommy's ear. She whispers something Ellie can't hear, something that makes Tommy sit up and turn pink.

"Well, I was gonna make you girls pancakes anyway, seeing as how our prodigal daughter is back from her adventure, but when you put it like that..."

o0o0o

Ellie falls asleep in her parents' bed while spearing the last bite of pancake onto her fork. When she wakes up, her plate is gone, the air is stuffy, and the bed is moving around her. She yanks the blanket off of her face and breathes in the cool air.

"Tommy!" Mom gasps.

Ellie panics for a minute, afraid that Mom is in serious pain. She squints in the darkness, trying to reorient herself with the bedroom.

"Oh! Yeah, fuck me harder Tommy."

Ohhh. Ellie pulls the blanket back onto her head. Well, at least Mom isn't in pain.

"It's okay, baby," Mom goes on. "It feels good. Fuck me nice and hard."

"Yes, Ma'am." Tommy says.

"That's it. Good boy. Oh, I love you, Tommy..."

"I love you too, Maria. God, you're the prettiest woman alive. I'm so lucky."

"Damn right. Ohh, that's perfect. Fuck me just like that, baby."

There's no way for Ellie to escape without letting them know she's awake, and she doesn't want to ruin their moment. Anyway, the three of them are running out of time to make awkward family memories. She wiggles back under the blanket and falls asleep again, a smile stuck on her face.

o0o0o

A few days later, Mom holds Ellie's hand while Doc Freeman works under a sheet with the supplies Ellie grabbed on her trip to the fertility clinic.

"Ow," Ellie says. "Cramping."

"Well, it's all done," Doc Freeman says. "Just stay lying down for a half hour or so."

"Will do."

"I need to go check on their progress with the ultrasound machine. Will you be all right?"

"Yup." Ellie gives Doc Freeman a thumbs up. "Thanks."

"No, thank you for getting those parts," Doc Freeman says. "I knew I could count on you."

Ellie grins in pride, despite the fact that spunk is leaking out of her and onto the paper mat that's stuck to her sweaty ass. Doc Freeman leaves, and Mom slouches in her chair and flips through a parenting book she found on the table.

"I remember reading this one," she says. "It was pretty funny. We should borrow it. How long are you gonna try to breastfeed?"

"I dunno." Ellie wiggles her feet in the stirrups. "However long you're supposed to, I guess."

"Do you figure you'll have the baby sleep in a crib or in the bed with you?"

"Honestly, I haven't really thought about parenting beyond the whole getting pregnant part," Ellie admits. "Which one is better? Crib or bed?"

"No one really knows," Mom says. "They both have pros and cons."

"Well, what did you do with Aiden?"

Mom prods at the fuzzy, peeled up corner of the book's spine. "We put him in that crib that was in your room when you first got it. But if I could go back, I would have kept him in the bed with us."

"How come?"

"Because then maybe I would have noticed that he'd stopped breathing in time to do anything about it."

"Oh." Ellie isn't sure what else to say. "I'm sorry. That... sucks."

"When he was first born, all we did was watch him breathe. Your daddy and I were afraid to both sleep at the same time, just in case." Mom runs her hand over the cover of the book. "That was silly, though, and we knew it, so we started putting him in the crib. We were so, so careful. The books said not to put anything in the crib except for a mattress and the baby, so that was all we put in the crib. And we always put him on his back, just like the book said. Every. Single. Night. But that night, when he woke up for his three a.m. feeding, I guess I was so sleep-deprived that I must have laid him down on his stomach after feeding him. I don't even remember doing it."

"And that was when he...?"

"Mm." Mom's mouth twitches as she stares at the book. "Your dad tried to convince me he'd gotten up with Aiden after I went back to sleep, but I know it was me. It's been, God, I guess seven years, and I still lie awake sometimes trying to remember why the fuck I put him down on his stomach."

Ellie reaches out for Mom's hand. "Whoever did it, it was an accident," she says. "I didn't even know you're supposed to put babies on their backs. You and Dad are the best parents I've ever known, so if that kind of fluke can happen to you, my kid is probably fucked."

"Don't count on it," Mom says. "I've seen kids survive some pretty unbelievable things. I once watched a toddler fall out a third story window and land without a scratch. He didn't even cry until his mom snatched him up, screaming hysterically. Kids are weirdly sturdy, sometimes."

"Yeah, I think I probably survived some shit I probably shouldn't have as a kid," Ellie says. "I was into everything. I feel like karma is gonna bite me in the ass as soon as I'm a mom. If the worst thing my kid does is sneak into infected malls like a fucking idiot, I'll count my blessings."

"Parenting is bizarre," Mom says. "No, life in general is bizarre. We get so used to losing people to the infected, one way or another, and then our babies die over stupid shit: SIDS, the flu, birth defects, feeding problems."

Mom shakes her head and opens the book. Ellie stares at the mottled ceiling, chewing on her lip.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, baby girl?"

"What if I really, really suck at it?" Ellie wipes her hands on the sheet. "Parenting, I mean. Like, David had a mom! What if my kid turns out like him?"

"For what it's worth, I don't think that will happen." Mom pats Ellie's hand. "I think you'll be very careful to raise the baby so they don't become a monster, because your experiences will make you extra conscientious about what you teach your little one."

"What if I completely freak out and dump the kid on someone else?"

Mom stretches. "Look at it this way: if parenting isn't for you, there's no shame in finding a new home for the baby. Everyone in this town is really grateful for what you're doing, Ellie. I know a half dozen families that would be more than willing to raise the baby for you, whether it's immune or not. You don't have to raise this baby if you don't want to. You just have to carry it to term and maybe nurse it for a while. And if you don't even want to nurse it, I bet someone will step up and take care of that, too. Does that make you feel better?"

"Yeah," Ellie says. "You always know what to say to make me feel better."

Mom leans over and hugs her. "We're just on the same wavelength. You'd be amazed how many people think I'm a bitch."

Ellie hugs Mom back. "They don't really think that. That's just when they're griping about work assignments. Behind your back, they say you're the best leader they've ever worked for."

Mom scoffs. "I think you're full of shit."

"For once, I'm actually not," Ellie laughs. "On a totally unrelated note, are you planning on doing weed when we get home?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Because I was reading that orgasms can help with conceiving, so I thought..." Ellie shrugs. "It can't hurt, right?"

"You want to smoke weed so you can masturbate?"

"God, Mom! Why don't you say it a little louder?" Ellie covers her eyes. "Oh my god. I bet Pilar heard that."

Mom smirks. "Sorry, Ellie. I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm not sure if it's okay to smoke weed when you're trying to get pregnant, but I'm not going to tell you you can't. But why don't you trying making up with Pilar before? She could come get high with you."

"Mom. Pilar and I have been broken up for months. She's probably dating someone else by now."

There's a knock on the door, and Doc Freeman opens it and walks in.

"Doc, can I smoke weed when I get home?" Ellie asks.

Doc Freeman blinks. "Uh, I guess a little is okay. Don't overdo it."

"Is Pilar seeing anyone new?" Mom asks.

Ellie pulls her sheet over her face. "Mooommm."

"Not seriously," Doc Freeman says. "Blake's been coming by to bring her food, but she doesn't seem very interested."

"Blake?" Mom asks. "Now there's a coincidence."

"Has it been thirty minutes yet?" Ellie asks.

Doc Freeman checks her watch. "Close enough. Are you in a hurry?"

"You have no idea." Ellie sits up and grabs her pants. "See you next month. Let's go, Mom."

Mom grabs her walking stick, and they set off for home.

"Do you want to stop at the library?" Mom asks as they pass the building. "I hear they got some new books in the restricted section."

"No, I'm good."

"Suit yourself."

When they get home, Mom brings her pipe to Ellie's room, and they sit on the bed together to smoke. It only takes a few inhales for Ellie to feel giddy. She kicks her jeans off and climbs under the blankets, and Mom kisses her on the forehead.

"Holler if you need anything," Mom says. She takes her pipe and lighter and closes Ellie's door gently on the way out.

Ellie puts her headphones on and clicks play on her Walkman. It's the mixtape Pilar gave her for their three-year anniversary. Whatever. Ellie is too high to find a different one. Also, now that she's listening to it, she realizes just how raunchy some of the lyrics are. Jesus, Pilar. If they were still dating, Ellie would totally be plotting some sort of punishment.

She would start by making Pilar get naked, which never actually required much persuasion. Then she would order Pilar to lie on her back and touch herself while Ellie watched. When Pilar was dripping and flushed, Ellie would straddle Pilar's face and pin down her hands so Pilar couldn't do anything but squirm underneath Ellie. That's the kind of thing Pilar was always begging for.

Ellie's not nineteen anymore. She's not fucked up and broken anymore; she was never shaken so hard that her wires snapped like a dead lightbulb. No. She's thirteen again. She's lying in bed with a different Walkman, chasing that elusive good feeling like a dream the alarm scared off. She's thirteen-and-a-half, rubbing herself while she thinks about the way Riley's ass looks when she bends over and the way Riley's sweat 's fourteen; yeah, Ellie is fourteen, and she's high for the second time in her life, and she's gonna lie in bed and think about hot girls until she has her very first orgasm. Or until Mom calls her to dinner. She's fourteen, and all the bad things in her life were just dreams. Pilar is real, though.

She's fourteen; yeah, Ellie is fourteen again, and she's high for the second time in her life, and she's gonna lie in bed and rub herself and think about hot girls until she falls asleep. Or until Mom calls her to dinner, maybe. Mmm, dinner. No, shit, focus! Ellie is fourteen, and she's gonna do naughty, naughty things with her girlfriend Pilar.

Ellie imagines the warmth radiating off the insides of Pilar's thighs, the way it would practically toast Ellie's cheeks if she put them between those perfect brown columns. She can smell Pilar's skin, smell the wetness slicking down those shiny, curly hairs. Pilar would be so fucking wet, if the three other times Ellie rode her face were any indication. Ellie would lie down so their hot stomachs pressed together, and she would rub her face all over those little hairs until her mouth and nose and cheeks were saturated. She would burrow nose first into the soft, pinkish-brown flesh.

She would lick that pussy until her muscles hurt, and then she would crack her jaw and keep going. She'd slip her fingers in, one at a time, wiggling and flexing them. Pilar would be thrashing around like crazy, happy as a puppy in a sweater. And then Ellie would raise her head, take a deep breath, and plunge back in. She'd lick relentlessly until Pilar arched up underneath Ellie, until Pilar's body was writhing in pleasure and she sprayed wetness all over Ellie's arm-

Ellie's toes curl into the sheet, and her heart seems to stop for a moment. Pleasure burns through her, making her tremble. As the explosion fades to embers, her fingers gradually go still. She lies there, catching her breath. Either it's been way too long since her last orgasm, or sex on weed really is better, or both.

She falls asleep with a smile on her face. When she wakes up, her headphones are on the rug, and someone is knocking on her bedroom door.

"Food," Tommy calls through the door. "You want it?"

Ellie pulls the blanket up to her neck, even though she's still wearing her shirt. "Yeah, come in."

The door inches open like it's moving on its own. Tommy nudges it with his foot and enters, setting a plate of steak and potatoes on the nightstand. He sets a mug of milk next to it.

"You feelin' okay?" he asks.

Ellie nods. "Just tired from trying to make a baby with Doc Freeman."

Tommy chuckles. "I love that. You should tell everyone that's what you been up to."

"I do." Ellie takes a drink of the milk. "Mm, yummy. Thanks for dinner, Dad."

"You're welcome." He kisses her on her forehead, the same spot Mom kissed earlier. "We're so proud of you, baby girl. I know this ain't easy for you, none of it, but you're takin' it all like a pro. I reckon the fate of humanity is in good hands."

"Thanks, Dad." She wipes her milk mustache on her sleeve. "I'm really glad I have you on my team. It would suck to go through all of this alone."

"I'm glad we're on the same team too." He pats her head. "You eat up now."

o0o0o

Per Doc Freeman's orders, Ellie takes it easy for the next month, just in case. She trades harvesting, perimeter duty, and stable maintenance for Dad's housework and cooking. Mom runs the town as usual, except she does it mostly from home, sipping her willow bark tea while she shows Ellie her organizational secrets.

"Mom, I love you, but my brain doesn't work like yours," Ellie finally says. "We'll just have to delegate that to someone who's better with all the system-y stuff."

"You're gonna delegate literally everything I do?" Mom raises an eyebrow.

"Not everything. I can lead the town meetings and bang the hammer thing. And I'll throw the town parties. Cha cha cha?"

Mom groans and rests her face on the table.

"Mom." Ellie says into her ear. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I love you."

Maria pats Ellie's head without looking up. "I love you too, baby girl, even if your leadership skills need some work."

"Don't forget, I lack ambition, too," Ellie says. "I don't even wanna be the leader. I'll just do what Dad tells me to and eat cake every chance I get."

"Sounds like a plan." Mom rests her head on her hand and starts tallying up the food inventory. "Say, when is your next appointment?"

"Tomorrow," Ellie says. "I'm so looking forward to getting bred like a cow again. Tell Dad to make hay for dinner."

"You'd better tell yourself," Mom says. "Since you're in charge of cooking now. Speaking of which..."

"Oh, shit, I forgot." Ellie runs into the kitchen, grabs the bucket of green beans, and returns to the table. "At least these don't take long to cook, once you get the ends broken off."

"Hmm."

"Mom, how soon did you know you were pregnant?"

Mom looks up from her paper. "Pretty soon, but only because I was tracking everything like a hound. Since we'd been trying to get pregnant for so long, I had a pretty good idea within a couple of weeks."

"Okay, well, I feel like I have PMS, except that I've had a really light period for, like, two weeks." Ellie cracks the ends off the green beans. "But the books said the two main signs are sleepiness and having to pee all the time, and I definitely have both of those. PMS? Or did Doc manage to knock me up on the first try?"

"Could be," Mom says. "You probably shouldn't get your hopes up until Doc Freeman confirms it, though."

"Yeah, woohoo," Ellie says without enthusiasm. "Fingers metaphorically crossed that this shitty pregnancy happens sooner rather than later."

Once the green beans are boiling on the stove, Ellie sits down on the bench next to Mom and rests her head on her shoulder.

"You added that column wrong." She points to the paper.

Mom taps the pencil's eraser down the page, stopping next to each figure. "No, I didn't," she finally says. "Seven plus five plus three plus four plus two plus nine is thirty."

"Oh. Well, see? You're just gonna have to stay alive, because I would have put thirty-one."

Mom kisses Ellie's cheek. "Your dad would've guessed twenty-two. Please put Diana in charge of sums when I'm gone."

"I still can't believe you're really gonna be, you know, gone." Ellie swallows. "What am I gonna do every spring when I start having nightmares again? I won't have anyone to talk to."

"You'll have Tommy and Pilar."

"They won't be able to analyze my bad dreams or anything, though. There are lots of details that are so awful and humiliating I don't want anyone but you to ever find out about them."

"Sweetie, if there are two people on earth you can trust with those secrets, they're Tommy and Pilar. Sometimes I think that maybe the reason you can't recover properly is because you try so hard to keep it a secret, even from the people who love you the most. Just tell them. You'll feel better, and then you'll have someone to talk to when I'm dead."

"It won't be the same!" Ellie pouts. "Nothing will ever be the same after you die. And I feel even more like a fucking death magnet, because if I'd just stayed away from you, this never would have happened!"

"Bullshit." Mom pats Ellie's shoulder. "You're trying to take credit for cancer _and_ the apocalypse, honey. I hate to break it to you, but you're not that special."

Ellie groans and faceplants onto the table. "Fucking cancer. This is such bullshit."

Mom rubs Ellie's back. "I know."

"Every time I love someone, the universe takes them away. And the more I love them, the more horrific their death is. Riley lost her mind and tried to kill me. Joel got a rebar spike through his heart. Becca bled to death in her own bathtub. So I'm scared-" Ellie presses her hands over her eyes. "I'm scared to watch you die. I borrowed a textbook from Pilar last week, and reading it made me puke a few times. Mom, I don't want you to look like a skeleton wearing someone else's skin." She tries to swallow her tears, but they shove past her barriers. "I don't want to see you in so much pain you don't know who I am. I don't want to watch you bleed out of every orifice and drown from the inside out! Mom, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life, and I can't-" She gives up and weeps. "I can't watch that happen to you. Every time I think about it, I start thinking really scary things."

"Like what?"

"Like... 'I won't have to see Mom die if I kill myself first.' Or, 'Maybe if I eat so much rat poison that I puke up my liquefied organs, the universe will be satisfied taking me instead of Mom and make her all better.'"

Mom hugs Ellie tightly. "Oh, baby girl..."

"I know it doesn't work like that," Ellie sobs. "But if I thought there was the tiniest chance it might, I would have done it when you first told me you were sick."

Mom sighs and kisses Ellie's cheek, rubbing her back again. Neither of them speaks for a long time.

"My mom died two weeks after we got to the Little Rock QZ," Mom finally says. "She had a kidney problem, and I guess dialysis wasn't a top priority for anyone. In her last few days, she was so bloated from the extra fluid. She wouldn't eat anything, which scared the shit out of me. She got real confused, talking to people who'd been dead for years. She started gasping for breath, and then the next day she started having seizures every few hours. I was a few years younger than you, and yes, it was the worse thing I'd ever seen at that point in my life." Mom pats Ellie's back. "When she stopped breathing, I remember doing CPR for hours. I kept screaming for someone to help me, but no one bothered."

"That's fucking awful," Ellie cries. "This is making me feel worse."

"Sorry. I'm getting somewhere with it. Anyway, I did CPR until my whole body gave out. I remember I fell on the floor, and I was crying and swearing, and I looked up at my mom, and... I don't know how to explain it. She wasn't there anymore. I always figured dead people looked like they were sleeping, but I just knew my mom wasn't in there anymore. I missed her so much, but I knew that her being sick, her dying, it was a lot worse for me than it was for her."

"I don't understand."

"My mom was at peace with being sick, and she was at peace with dying. She tried to prepare me for it, and she tried to teach me how to take care of myself. And once she was gone, nothing could hurt her anymore."

"Yeah, but then she was gone!"

"But souls are energy, and energy can't be destroyed," Mom says. "It can only be transferred. Just because my body will be cold someday doesn't mean my energy, the stuff that makes me who I am, will be gone."

"I don't believe in religion," Ellie says into Mom's sleeve.

"That's not religion, Ellie. That's physics. The Law of Conservation of Energy. It's pretty much all I remember from high school Physics. Which makes sense, given that I think our final was canceled due to apocalypse..."

"I'm gonna look it up in a book," Ellie warns her. "If you're pulling my leg, I'll be pissed off."

"If I'm wrong, it's because I haven't thought about it in twenty-five years," Mom says. "Your pot is boiling over, baby girl."

"Oh, fuck me. I don't even like green beans." Ellie jumps up and runs to the foaming pot. "Fuck, and I need to heat up the leftovers. I'm not done talking about this, though!"

"Okay, sweetheart."

o0o0o

Ellie wakes up before the roosters the next morning. She sits up in bed, trying to figure out what woke her and how much she should panic. When she hears Mom cry out in pain, she scrambles out of bed and runs down the hall. Tommy meets her at the bedroom door.

"Is Mom okay?"

"As okay as she can be. Go on back to bed," Tommy says. "Nothing you can do to help."

"I wanna be with her!" Ellie insists.

"I know, but she puts on a tough front whenever you're around," Tommy says. "Give her a few hours to cry and swear through it without feeling like a bad mom. I'll get you before I leave to take care of things around town, okay?"

"Okay." Ellie's shoulders slump.

She rolls around her bed for another two hours, until she finally gives up on sleep and starts breakfast. When she hears Tommy's boots on the stairs, she bounds past him, thrusting a cup of oatmeal and stewed apples into his hands as she passes him.

"Ellie, Ellie!" he calls in a whisper. "She's sleeping. I gave her the good drugs a little bit ago. She'll probably sleep the rest of the morning."

"Cool," Ellie says, slipping into Mom's room. She softly closes the bedroom door and climbs into the big bed. Mom's kitten-like snores don't falter, even when Ellie puts her arms around her. Ellie means to stay awake and watch over Mom, but somehow she finds herself rubbing her eyes against the streaming sunlight a few hours later.

Mom rolls over and yawns. "I feel like I've slept the day away," she says. "What time is it?"

"I don't know." Ellie sits up and peeks out the window. "Noonish, I think."

"You should hop up. You'll be late for your appointment."

"So what?" Ellie shrugs. "I'm pretty sure that at this point, Doc Freeman and Pilar just tell me to show up thirty minutes before they actually want me there."

"Ha! I'm pretty sure you're right."

"Are you still gonna be able to come with me?" Ellie asks. "You don't have to, if you don't feel well."

"I want to," Mom says. "I don't know if I'm up for it, though."

"You just stay and rest, then," Ellie says.

"Radio your dad. I'm sure it would make his week if you asked him."

"Ehh. I don't think I want him there. It would be awkward and gross and just way too weird. I'll be fine alone."

"Suit yourself."

Ellie stands up and stretches. "Do you want any food before I go?"

"I'm not totally incapacitated," Mom reminds her. "Go, get ready! I feel a lot better after morphine and a nap."

Ellie gives her a quick hug before running around, splashing water on herself and pulling a loose pair of jeans on. She gets to the town clinic only ten minutes late, causing Pilar to check the clock in a panic.

"You're early," Pilar says. "I mean, early for you."

"Yeah, I'm ready to get this over with," Ellie says. "I'm not a fan of being the patient."

"I know, right?" Pilar signs Ellie's name for her on the clipboard. "It's always weird to be on the other side. You can go back, if you want. Room two is empty."

"Thanks."

Ellie closes herself into the exam room, the same she and Pilar hugged in before Ellie ran off to get medical supplies. She sprays down her own table and changes into one of the ragged exam gowns, and then she dangles her feet off the side of the table and reads a book while she waits for Doc Freeman.

"Hey, Ellie," the Doc says. "How are you feeling today?"

"Nervous. A little barfy. The two are probably connected."

"Yeah, but you never know. How's your mom?"

"She was in really bad pain this morning. Dad gave her the 'good drugs,' and she seems okay now."

"Hm." Doc Freeman presses her hand into Ellie's lower stomach. "Remind me to send another vial of morphine home with you. I'm kind of amazed she had any left."

"She does the natural stuff most of the time." Ellie rests her arms under her head. "So, am I pregnant?"

"Only one way to know for sure at this point. Do you want to try out the ultrasound machine you helped us fix up?"

"Sure!"

"Now, this early on, we need to do the internal kind. Is that okay?"

"Um, internal?"

"Vaginal ultrasound." Doc Freeman shows her the probe. "I'll cover it with one of the plastic sheaths and use plenty of lubricant. Sound doable?"

"Uhhh... sure, I guess."

She helps Ellie stick her feet in the stirrups extending from the table. Beads of sweat drip down her legs, tickling the backs of her knees. Ellie shivers.

Doc Freeman clears her throat. "So, I know something happened between you and Pilar, but given your history, do you want me to-"

"Yes! Yes, I want Pilar in here." Ellie presses her knees together. "I mean, if she doesn't mind. Yeah, will you ask her?"

Doc Freeman nods and leaves the room. When she returns, Pilar is right behind her.

Pilar. She's wearing her long black hair in a bun today, and she looks so much older and prettier than Ellie remembers her. Ellie's tongue sticks like velcro to the roof or her mouth.

"This is so exciting!" Pilar practically bounces with excitement. "I've been dying to see this stuff in action. How are you, Ellie?"

"Good," Ellie says. "Ready to get this over with."

"Do you want me to hold your hand?" Pilar asks.

"If you want," Ellie says. Her clammy fingers twitch, longing to feel Pilar's around them.

Pilar takes Ellie's hand. "Oh, it's really cold!" She clasps her other hand over Ellie's and breathes into them.

It reminds Ellie of Dad doing his duck call- the hand version, not the fart version that still makes Ellie laugh. Ellie grins at that thought, and then she almost jumps off the table.

"Cold! Holy shit, cold," she gasps.

"Sorry," Doc says. "The lube gets tacky and gross if I warm it too much."

"It's cool."

"Is that a heartbeat?" Pilar asks.

"No, it's the ultrasound machine." Doc Freeman slides the probe further into Ellie. "Okay, let me just find the- aha! I think that's it."

Pilar stares intently at the screen. Ellie rests her free hand under her head.

"Wow, look at that," Doc Freeman says.

"What?" Ellie strains her neck. "What is it? Is something wrong with my ovaries, like Mom?"

"No, Ell, nothing like that." Doc points to a small white bump inside the ovalish void on the screen. "I'm pretty sure that's an embryo."

"A baby?!" Pilar shrieks. "Oh my god, a baby!"

Ellie squints at the screen. "Are you sure? It looks like a bean. Maybe it's a tumor. Well, okay, now that it's moving, it looks like... a tadpole or something."

"I'm pretty sure it's an embryo." Doc Freeman flips through the notes in Ellie's chart, which are all written in pencil on blue-veined notepad paper. "Okay, so if your last period was then... I guess that makes you six and a half weeks pregnant."

"But... you were the one who got me pregnant," Ellie says, making Pilar giggle. "That was only four weeks ago."

"The weeks are based on your last period before you got pregnant," Doc says. "Conception can happen days after the sperm are introduced. It all makes more sense once you've done an OB-GYN rotation."

She might as well be speaking another language. Ellie nods politely.

"And that thumping sound is the baby's heart?" Pilar asks.

"Yes. And if you look really closely, you can see it. See? Right there."

Pilar oohs and ahhs at the heart beat like it's a magic trick. Ellie, who's only vaguely interested in the whole situation from the standpoint of a doctor's apprentice, feigns maternal instinct by copying Pilar.

Doc Freeman punches a few buttons on the machine. "Let me try to print a picture for you."

"I don't know," Ellie says. "I think people will believe me without a picture. I don't want to waste a photo when it doesn't even look like anything."

"This broken ultrasound machine was in one of the doctor's offices, along with enough paper and toner to keep it going for a couple of years," Doc Freeman assures her. "We have plenty of material. And Maria will want a picture, especially since she couldn't be here."

"Okay, that's fine, I guess."

A few minutes later, Ellie buttons her jeans and opens the exam room door. Pilar is standing there, which makes Ellie jump.

"Jesus," Ellie clutches her chest. "You scared the shit outta me. What's up?"

"Have you had lunch yet?"

"No, I was too nervous and queasy to eat," Ellie says. "Why?"

Pilar clears her throat delicately, pressing her fingers into one of her pink cheeks. "Okay, feel free to say no, but I've really, really missed you, and this is a really big day, and I wanted to catch up, and- can we have lunch together? Just to talk. And celebrate. In a non-romantic way. Unless you want it to be romantic! But you probably don't. So do you want to-?"

Ellie pulls her into a hug and stands on her toes to kiss Pilar.

o0o0o

By the time Ellie arrives home with the ultrasound picture, Tommy is already there. She finds him on the couch, wiggling his socked feet on the coffee table. Mom is resting her head on his shoulder.

"How did your doctor's appointment go, sweetie?" Mom asks.

Ellie holds up the ultrasound picture. "You guys are gonna be grandparents in May."

Tommy whoops, and Mom claps her hands.

"Congratulations, baby girl," Mom says. "Come here! Let us see that picture."

"Well, goddamn," Tommy says. "It's really happening."

"Scoot over." Ellie squeezes between them, still staring at the crumpled picture.

"So, whatcha havin'?" Tommy asks, putting his arm over her shoulders. "Boy or girl?"

"Dunno," Ellie says. "It's way too early to tell. Basically all you can see is the spine and the brain. Freaky."

"Aww." Mom kisses her cheek. "How exciting. Are you excited?"

"Honestly?" Ellie shrugs. "I'm kind of numb about it right now, with these occasional jolts of 'Oh my god, I don't know what I'm doing! Maybe I've made a terrible mistake! What if it turns into a clicker inside me and starts chewing its way out?!' and then that seems so stupid that I go numb again. Pilar is happy enough for both of us, though. She's already knitting baby clothes."

Mom and Tommy both laugh at that.

"That's our Pilar," Tommy says. "I'm glad she ain't mad, though."

"Why would she be?" Mom asks. "She knows about Ellie's condition. She always knew Ellie was gonna have to have a baby at some point. Actually, she's always been way more excited about it than Ellie."

"I know that," Tommy says. "I just figured Pilar might be sad. You know, on account of her and Ellie... you know."

"Well, the reason I took so long was because Pilar wanted to have lunch." Ellie presses her lips together, trying not to smile and give it away.

Mom leans in. "And?"

"We're giving it another shot. She promises not to grab me without warning, and I promise to- um, I don't actually want to say what I promised. But things are going to be better this time, I'm pretty sure."

"Good!" Mom grins so widely Ellie is especially glad she made up with Pilar.

"Yeah," Tommy says. "The more people helping us take care of this baby, the better. I ain't above changin' diapers, but maybe we can make Pilar wash 'em."

"I'll be sure to pass the message on," Ellie says. "Oh, holy shit, I'm gonna have a baby... Are we sure this is a good idea? What if I suck at being a mom?"

Mom rubs Ellie's back, and Tommy rubs Ellie's neck, and they both pile encouragement on her until she feels heavy from the weight of their expectations.


End file.
